Am I unreachable? Am I too stubborn or cocky? or weird? What I can learn from him, is that..I have to be myself, dare to open my heart and sharing who I am with someone. He ever tell me to trust someone new. To gain my self esteem that he believe I am formidable. He ever told me, "you have no confidence with any men, do you think you will ever make it with someone new?"
Well I know he is right, but then..is it true nobody will understand me and accept me for who i am? with all the insecurity? If he knows who I am with all the bad past I have, should he try to understand and embrace me with love and compasion?
I know I am not sharing my daily life to him too much, cos I learn from relationship books that as a women we don't have to share our daily activities too much, but I learn now that it creates bond between two persons. That is why someone ever called me superficial, cos I never try to open myself, never talking about who I really am. I waited for him to asked me..I want him to find out, to dig me..who ginggi is. Every person have their own personality, there are women who are open, extrovert, lively. While I'm a person who is introvert, quiet, and shy. So..I need the men who likes me, is the one who leads the way to get to know me. He should be the one who swim down to the bottom of the sea to find the real me. Like Edward on Twillight, who always asks and try to know bella.
I also put all the eggs in one basket, means that I put too much hope and my heart too early. When I supposed to be easy and relax, enjoy to get to know him much more before I'm sure how he felt about me. But I think I did what I supposed to do. Until he said that he wants to have a serious relationship with me. I don't know..maybe this is my fault number 5 that, I should have asked him with a clear statement what he trying to say and what is the real meaning behind it. Not just accept it 100 percent and believe in what he said, but trying to find out more about it.
It is difficult to have long distance relationship where you love this guy, but you cannot touch him or to see his blue eyes. Cannot see his real expressions..is full with doubtness, jealousy, and questions about who he really is. So I guess, the problems is not in me..but because we are so different. So far..though maybe we like each other. But it just seems too difficult to continue unless he really make this come true by coming to Indonesia to meet me in person. I love him..but, he is the one who have to make the decitions if he wants me and think that im worth to keep. Nobody is perfect..I accept him the way he is, and I expected that he can accept me too.
But all of this, I still admired him..he is a hard working men, he's an honest men, A good friend, Sensitive, and shy. Though sometimes cool, ignorance, and sarcastics.
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