Picture this -- you meet a great man who likes you too. You start going out, and it's clear to you that he sees as more than just a friend. He's very sweet, he gives you gifts, he sends you those sweet nothings over text and e-mail.
And if you're the adventurous type, you may have enjoyed some great sex, too! Then one day, you decide it's time to take things to the next level. So you talk to him and ask what he thinks about getting married and settling down.
Then, to your utter shock, he tells you: "I'm not really ready for a relationship yet." What gives? If he wasn't ready all this time, then why was he being so sweet to you? Was he just playing you for a fool? Or are all men really just after the sex?
Not many people know this, but here's the difference between us women and the men in our lives...First of all, when we're exclusively dating him, it means we love him. If we actually go all the way and have sex with him, it means we love him and we want him to be ours.
We women also tend to think that when the relationship has went on "long enough," it's actually time to get serious and settle down. But guess what? Men DON'T think the same way we do when it comes to love and relationships. They don't!
He won't commit to you simply because you're dating, or simply because you've already taken things to the bedroom, or simply because you feel the relationship has dragged on "long enough." He won't.
Here's the secret: A man will commit to you for two reasons, and two reasons ONLY:
REASON #1 - IF YOU MAKE HIS LIFE BETTER, NOT WORSE.
I once received a long, depressing e-mail from a reader. RK wrote to me about how she was in the middle of a difficult setup with the man in her life:
"I'm in love with a great man. The problem is that he seems to love his mother more. His mother is the
consummate drama queen! She rants a lot, she makes an issue out of the tiniest things, she invades my privacy, and she doesn't hesitate to pick on me.
"Alex, I can't stand her. But when I tell him anything less than positive about his mom, he gets mad at me. He'll start talking to me less, he won't ask me out as often, and he'll start feeling annoyed whenever I flirt or get touchy-feely. What should I do in this situation?" RK is obviously in trouble -- the man in
her life has clearly shown that he loves his mom more than her!
And if RK keeps trying to think of ways to get rid of her from her life, or take him all for herself, then I can tell you right now -- it's NOT going to work out. Why? Because here's reason #1 - he'll only commit to RK if she makes his life better, instead of worse.
And obviously, if she takes his mom out of the equation, it's going to make his life worse. That's the reason why he starts to dislike RK whenever she tries to complain about his mom! No, he's not going to choose between RK and his mom, and he's going to find that little gray area in the middle where he's most happy.
And if RK does force him to choose between her and his mom, he'll resent the ultimatum -- and choose his mom in retaliation. RK still loses! So what do you do if you're stuck in a similar situation?
Simple -- find ways to make both your lives better and more enjoyable at the same time! For instance, RK will need to get over her hatred of his mom, and may even need to learn to get on her good side.
If she can't do that, then she's probably better off if she stopped trying to make it work, say goodbye, and start meeting new men again.
So remember reason #1 - you have to make his life better instead of worse. Ask yourself right now -- what can you do to be a part of his life AND make it better for him at the same time? Here's reason #2:
REASON #2 - HE HAS TO FEEL TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU.
It's a no-brainer, but a man must be in love with you before he can bring himself to commit to you. No, that's an understatement -- he has to feel TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, MADLY in love with you! Any woman can make his life better. But it takes a very special woman to make him fall in love!
I once had a client named "Samantha" who went to me with a problem with the man she was dating. Apparently, there were a few things in his personality that he simply couldn't stand:
"He has some 'mama's boy' traits that I find incredibly annoying," Samantha told me. "I hate it, and he knows it. In fact, his attitude is the cause of many of our arguments. "Alex, what can I do to change him? Because besides his being a mama's boy, he's a good person."
I'm going to tell you what I told Samantha that day. I told her that no matter what she did, the guy was NOT going to change. He wasn't going to change if she told him to, if she BEGGED him to, or even if she BRIBED him to. Why?
Because he's only going to change for you IF HE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. A guy won't change because other people tell him to. A guy will only change IF HE WANTS TO. It's HIM who's going to decide, not you. And he's only going to change for you if he's truly, deeply in love with you! Here's the thing -- if you want him to accept you and commit to you, then be ready to do the same. You'll have to
learn to accept his quirks, no matter how annoying they may be.
(By the way, I'm not talking about ALL his quirks. If his quirks pose a threat to your life and the life of others, do this instead -- run away as far as you can from him!) If he's not willing to change for you,
then it simply means he doesn't love you enough -- a sign that it's not going to work out.
But at the same time, if you can't bring yourself to accept his flaws, then be ready to call it quits and start dating other men -- you deserve better! -Alexandra Fox-
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