Sunday Is Gardening day

I was intended to go to the sunday market today to buy lavenders and strawberry, but nobody to go with me so I canceled till next sunday.  I replaced some tomatoes seeds using aqua mineral water plastic glass as their media.  I'm so happy to see them alive as i was hoped before. I imagine got so many tomatoes and chillies in my yard.  Not bad for kitchen supplies..

 This is some green onions in the backyard.

 

 

Want This Baby Doll

Report Day on Darren's school

Today it's his report day..where there are Entertaintment and small bazaar in his school.  I made Bake potatoes and Niggerball cookies.  Though I sold only Five potatoes today..it was really a fun day for us.  And I'm so proud that Darren's report is well enough.  Too bad I didn't bring the camera to capture this moment, 

 this is his first perform in the stage:)

 He looks happy:-)

All the parents seems to came complete with mother and father, while darren is only have me..without his father presence.  But he seems doesn't care..

It Is Hard To Turn your Back To Someone You Love and Care

I feel that I should move on again..My heart tells me, to step away slowly from the men I love so much.  I realized that he doesn't love me.  Women intuitions never lies..

If I don't feel loved from him, there s no use for me to wait.  No matter what he said..about the promised he used to say.  Love supposed to be happy..supposed to be understanding, spending time bonding..I felt being left out alone.  When he probably happy with someone new.  There is nothing I could do about it.

I don't know how to get his love back.  since he never invited my ym again. what is the point i wasted my time to sit here waiting till he add me back.  He wants me to forget about him.  So, let him go..

He doesn't have to say it..he knew I'm not stupid.  So here I am alone again in this new year's eve..just like another new years behind.  No one is going to call me..Happy New Year sweetheart..I love you..I will be coming soon wait for me..If i add his ym again, I m scared he might ignore it.  

Maybe this is the sign from God, He wants me to follow His other plan..So, He told me to step away from him for good.  I believe..good guy is a represented God it self.  He is caring, attentive, protective, supportive, sweet, and loyal.  So, I feel none of this about him.  Only doubts and lonely.

I have nothing to loose..I want him to step up and do his job if he love me.  I thought about how to get his love when other women trying to get him..I thought that I have to stay calm, and stay leaning back.  Hoping that he will be back to me someday.  Thought I can win his heart by being open to him when his giving me attention.  Thought that this is life, Where so many women out there, pretty and looking for a men.  But should I do anything to catch a men's heart? I don't think so..Love comes naturally.  If he likes..he will get it.  I know he likes me, but for him I just not his perfect match.  We both were the opposite attract.  only for awhile not forever.

I learn that I'm the one who controls every relationship I've been involved with.  You take him or leave him.  If he only want to play around then leave.  You're not looking for playing friends.  I look for serious relationship that ends up marriage.

Waiting for my perfect soulmate to come to find me..

My Favorite Things..

 

LOVE VICTORIA'S SECRET GARDEN COLLECTION..and I use this one:)

 

 My wish list of lingerie from La Senza

A Girl With A Pretty Hair

Today I saw a young women with a pretty hair.  I wonder where did she cut her hair like that? cos she looks pretty and attractive.  So, I begin to think..that our hair is really a big deal on our appearence..You can look good or bad because of it.  I think I need to have a new hair style soon.

Oh so romantic..

Favorite Quote of the Day..

I love this porch..

by country home

What I Can Learn From This Relationship With Him

Am I unreachable? Am I too stubborn or cocky? or weird? What I can learn from him, is that..I have to be myself, dare to open my heart and sharing who I am with someone.  He ever tell me to trust someone new.  To gain my self esteem that he believe I am formidable.  He ever told me, "you have no confidence with any men, do you think you will ever make it with someone new?" 

Well I know he is right, but then..is it true nobody will understand me and accept me for who i am? with all the insecurity? If he knows who I am with all the bad past I have, should he try to understand and embrace me with love and compasion? 

I know I am not sharing my daily life to him too much, cos I learn from relationship books that as a women we don't have to share our daily activities too much, but I learn now that it creates bond between two persons. That is why someone ever called me superficial, cos I never try to open myself, never talking about who I really am.  I waited for him to asked me..I want him to find out, to dig me..who ginggi is.  Every person have their own personality, there are women who are open, extrovert, lively.  While I'm a person who is introvert, quiet, and shy. So..I need the men who likes me, is the one who leads the way to get to know me.  He should be the one who swim down to the bottom of the sea to find the real me.  Like Edward on Twillight, who always asks and try to know bella. 

I also put all the eggs in one basket, means that I put too much hope and my heart too early.  When I supposed to be easy and relax, enjoy to get to know him much more before I'm sure how he felt about me.  But I think I did what I supposed to do.  Until he said that he wants to have a serious relationship with me.  I don't know..maybe this is my fault number 5 that, I should have asked him with a clear statement what he trying to say and what is the real meaning behind it.  Not just accept it 100 percent and believe in what he said, but trying to find out more about it.

It is difficult to have long distance relationship where you love this guy, but you cannot touch him or to see his blue eyes. Cannot see his real expressions..is full with doubtness, jealousy, and questions about who he really is.  So I guess, the problems is not in me..but because we are so different.  So far..though maybe we like each other.  But it just seems too difficult to continue unless he really make this come true by coming to Indonesia to meet me in person. I love him..but, he is the one who have to make the decitions if he wants me and think that im worth to keep.  Nobody is perfect..I accept him the way he is, and I expected that he can accept me too.  

But all of this, I still admired him..he is a hard working men, he's an honest men, A good friend, Sensitive, and shy.  Though sometimes cool, ignorance, and sarcastics. 

Will He Reply My Mail?

I made a decition to wrote him an email yesterday, asking him how he's doing..At first I wasn't sure I want to send it to him.  I have a confusion between missing him and rejection.  What if he doesn't reply? if he's forgotten me intentionly? what if he s thinking i'm stubborn..so I wrote first draft in french, but my finger cannot even dare to click the "send" button.  Then I decided to saved it, in case i changed my mood to send it later.  Ok I tried to forgot about that plan.  I was thinking..why would I have to do this? He is the one who have to find me..not me..

all the angel and devil are in war in my mind to find whether i should send it or not with good or bad calculations.  Then I tried to changed the draft in english also the subject.  But once again, I failed..

Today I read the horoscope telling their fortune to make a contact with "someone special" cos it said will have a good respons more than i can imagine.  I thought..hmm..ok then maybe it is time for me to send the mail, so without any doubt I send it.  I wasn't dare to open my email a whole day today, cos I don't want to be sad if there is no respons from him.  But I have to open it somehow, and no replied yet..):

Ahh..why do I have to do this? my friend encourage me to email him, and told me that if he doesn't respon I don't have to be ashamed at all.  But now, I felt so ashamed? I feel embarrased to myself.  Who doesn't feel ashamed of being rejected?

I tried to follow my intuitions, but i'm confused which is my intuition and which is my mind?  the other part saying i miss him and wants to know about him, and the other part is denial, saying that i shouldn't do the work but him.  It was like a battle between ego and desire.  

As a lady theoriticaly, books and wise people says that women should be choosen, so that means that I shouldn't do much work to get a men's attentions.  But all this time, He is the one who do the chase..but time goes by and people changed, so did he..He's began to cold, ignorance..and I felt left out.  So, instinctively..I begin to work..I don't know if it s true or not.  I have a high self proudness, that I learn from my grandma..she told me not to ask a men..she told me to let the men do the work by his own will.  So, I thought if this guy, wasnt do much for me, that means he s not that into me!  but..he said he wants to be serious with me?

I think I got the point now..I should forget about him! I should ignored what he said..he just a bullshit.

I'm not sure he will come to Indonesia just what he "promised"  If he is the men of honour, he will come as he promised me.  That is his job..he promised..I'm curious if his mom ever taught him about honoring his "words".

What can he do for me? He said he was busy working to get money to come..ok i tried to trust him.  I hope he's really a good guy just like he said.  Oh come on Ginggi..he just playing with you! so stop thinking about him and move on!

Ok I will..God please give me a clue! and strength if I have to go on..Amieen..

Heather Bullard

Heather Bullard

Love At The First Sight

I saw his picture tagged from his friend on facebook, when I take a look at it..my gosh..my heart was pounding so fast..He's smile, the way he looks..oh so sexy.  I looked at it for sometimes, looking at his expression.  Again..I don't know why everytime I look at him, .....I cannot describe how I feel about him.  Is this called love?  I felt embarrasing at myself, thinking that..this person..could he be in love with me? an asian woman who have a child and is an ignorance woman he knew.  A weird woman, who is simple and low social degree.  Un glamour like woman he used to hang around with.  Do you think he will love you back ginggi?

Yes that is why I hold this up in my heart.  He knows I love him..but he doesn't know the depth of my feelings because I just holding it inside.  I waited for him to make a move on me.  But sometimes he ignore me.  I know that he might not have that special feelings for me.

My heart really hurts right now..hurts that i cannot have what I want.  Because everytime I fall in love, I'm in love with a person who doesn't have the same feelings for me.  

Me and him just like water and oil..came from a very different life.  He is popular while I'm just an ordinary women, single parent.  He surrounded with beautiful glamour girls, while i'm a loner.  Who am I to love him who such an amazing men for me.  Though he might not a typical good guy, he's a party boy..but he is a sensitive men, he trusted me, he is a strong person with a dark past.  His sensitivity makes me fall in love with him.  I'm a jelouse woman, how can I be happy with this popular guy if he always focusing on his own life and social life?  Though I know, this is only a platonic kind of love, I know I cannot forget about him, because no matter what..we shared something deep before.  We are best friend.  

Though we re not together again, he will always be a friend of mind..

Love you CP..

Why Negativity Is really A Strong Things in Our Life?

Taken my son to school made me a little bit cheer today, since the morning i woke up..I found myself feel sad.  I don't know where that come from.  I fed my son taken him to shower with this bitter feelings inside that I felt so lonely.  I was thinking of my relationship with the men I love which is stuck and seems going down the hill to crash.  I felt confused and frustrated, I felt unloved and also thinking if I was in a foolish game.  I feel like I'm really stupid because I don't know how to get his love and attention..and most of all his attractions.  I did what I think I should, by telling him how I felt.  

But it seems useless..Now, My feelings is more and more become negative.  I open my account on facebook, and found out that my ranking of being a nice person is going down.  I know maybe you think, I'm over sensitive to this stupid applications..but I thought that..hey..what's going on here? Did I get a low vote from my friends? are they don't like me anymore? but why?  That kind of thought is bothering me this morning, and I keep doing what I have to do.  When I went to Darren's school suddenly I asked myself.."why do I feeling this way?"  "Do I need a help from anyone?" Why people seems to hate me now? 

Why people is trying to hurt me? Then I can feel that my body begin to stiff.  I can feel my heart is building a wall..no..i cannot be like this i thought myself.  Ginggi you should open your heart, forgive them..ahh but it's seems so hard.

The story is not over there, this evening i read my ex bf who i have a cold war now..wrote in her wall about how lucky she was and wishing ppl that bad to her happiness..i feel so sick..how can she said that while she's the one who is bad to people? that is so disguisting!  Well..let see until when she can laugh at someone else fall?  I don't like to feel this way actually but..I have to switch this negativity again..oh it is soo hard to be positive.  

I need to calm myself down right now..I should not wasted my energy on small problems like this.  It is only a small tiny trial..I will be okay soon..