Bess Myerson once wrote that “to fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall
out of love is simply awful.” Especially if you are the one who wanted the
relationship to last. Mending a broken heart is never easy. There is no quick way to stop your
heart from hurting so much.
To stop loving isn’t an option. Author Henri Nouwen writes, “When those you
love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should
not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes
your love ever more fruitful.” But how do we get beyond the pain? Here are 10 tips I’ve gathered from
experts and from conversations with friends on how they patched up their heart
and tried, ever so gradually, to move on.
1. Go through it, not around it.
I realize the most difficult task for a person with a broken heart is to
stand still and feel the crack. But that is exactly what she must do. Because
no shortcut is without its share of obstructions. Here’s a simple fact: You
have to grieve in order to move on. During the 18 months of my severe depression,
my therapist repeated almost every visit: “Go through it. Not around it.”
Because if I went around some of the issues that were tearing me apart inside,
then I would bump into them somewhere down the line, just like being caught in
the center of a traffic circle. By going through the intense pain, I eventually
surfaced as a stronger person ready to tackle problems head on. Soon the pain
lost its stronghold over me.
2. Detach and revel in your independence
again.
Attempting to fill the void yourself — without rushing to a new relationship
or trying desperately to win your lover back — is essentially what detaching is
all about. The Buddha taught that attachment that leads to suffering. So the
most direct path to happiness and peace is detachment. In his book, Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds, Victor M.
Parachin tells a wonderful story about an old gardener who sought advice from a
monk. Writes Parachin:
“Great Monk, let me ask you: How can I attain liberation?” The Great Monk
replied: “Who tied you up?” This old gardener answered: “Nobody tied me up.”
The Great Monk said: “Then why do you seek liberation?”
One of the most liberating thoughts I repeat to myself when I’m immersed in
grief and sadness is this: I don’t need anyone or anything to make me happy.
When I’m experiencing the intense pangs of grief, it is so difficult to trust
that I can be whole without that person in my life. But I have learned over and
over again that I can. I really can. It is my job to fill the emptiness, and I
can do it… creatively, and with the help of my higher power.
3. List your strengths.
As I wrote in my “12 Ways to Keep Going” post, a technique that helps me
when I feel raw and defeated to try anymore is to list my strengths. I say to
myself, “Self, you have been sober for 20 years!! Weaklings can’t pull off
that! And here you are, alive, after those 18 months of intense suicidal
thoughts. Plus you haven’t smoked a cigarette since that funeral back in
December of last year!” I say all of that while listening to the “Rocky”
soundtrack, and by the last line, I’m ready to tackle my next challenge: move
on from this sadness and try to be a productive individual in this world. If
you can’t list your strengths, start a self-esteem file. Click here to learn how you build
one.
4. Allow some fantasizing.
Grief wouldn’t be the natural process that it should be without some
yearning for the person you just lost. Dr.
Christine Whelan, who writes the “Pure Sex, Pure Column” on BustedHalo.com,
explains the logic of allowing a bit of fantasy. She writes:
If you are trying to banish a sexual fantasy from your head, telling
yourself “I’m not going to fantasize about her” or “I won’t think about what it
would be like to be intimate with him” might make it worse… In a famous
psychological study from the 1980s, a group of subjects were told to think
about anything but whatever they did, they were not supposed to think about a white
bear. Guess what they all thought about? [A white bear.]
5. Help someone else.
When I’m in pain, the only guaranteed antidote to my suffering is to box up
all of my feelings, sort them, and then try to find a use for them. That’s why
writing Beyond
Blue contributes a big chunk to my recovery, why moderating Group Beyond
Blue has me excited to wake up every day. When you turn your attention to
another person — especially someone who is struggling with the same kind of
pain — you forget about yourself for a split moment. And let’s face it, that,
on some days, feels like a miracle.
6. Laugh. And cry.
Laughter heals on many levels as I explain in my “9 Ways Humor Heals” post, and so does crying. You think
it’s just a coincidence that you always feel better after a good cry? Nope,
there are many physiological reasons that contribute to the healing power of
tears. Some of them have been documented by biochemist William Frey who has
spent 15 years as head of a research team studying tears. Among their findings
is that emotional tears (as compared to tears of irritation, like when you cut
an onion) contain toxic biochemical byproducts, so that weeping removes these
toxic substances and relieves emotional stress. So go grab a box of Kleenex and
cry your afternoon away.
7. Make a good and bad list.
You need to know which activities will make you feel good, and which ones
will make you want to toilet paper your ex-lover’s home (or apartment). You
won’t really know which activity belongs on which list until you start trying
things, but I suspect that things like checking out his wall on Facebook and seeing that he
has just posted a photo of his gorgeous new girlfriend is not going to make you
feel good, so put that on the “don’t attempt” list, along with e-mails and
phone calls to his buddies fishing for information about him. On the “feels
peachy” list might be found such ventures as: deleting all of his e-mails and
voicemails, pawning off the jewelry he gave you (using the cash for a much-needed
massage?), laughing over coffee with a new friend who doesn’t know him from
Adam (to ensure his name won’t come up).
8. Work it out.
Working out your grief quite literally — by running, swimming, exercising,
walking, or kick-boxing — is going to give you immediate relief. On a
physiological level — because exercise increases the activity of serotonin
and/or norepinehrine and stimulates brain chemicals that foster growth of nerve
cells — but also on an emotional level, because you are taking charge and becoming
the master of your mind and body. Plus you can visualize the fellow who is
responsible for your pain and you can kick him in the face. Now doesn’t that
feel good?
9. Create a new world.
This is especially important if your world has collided with his, meaning
that mutual friends who have seen him in the last week feel the need to tell
you about it. Create your own safe world — full of new friends who wouldn’t
recognize him in a crowd and don’t know how to spell his name — where he is not
allowed to drop by for a figurative or literal surprise visit. Take this
opportunity to try something new — scuba diving lessons, an art class, a book
club, a blog — so to program your mind and body to expect a fresh beginning…
without him (or her).
10. Find hope.
There’s a powerful quote in the movie The Tale of Despereaux that I’ve been thinking
about ever since I heard it: “There is one emotion that is stronger than fear,
and that is forgiveness.” I suppose that’s why, at my father’s deathbed, the
moment of reconciliation between us made me less scared to lose him. But
forgiveness requires hope: believing that a better place exists, that the
aching emptiness experienced in your every activity won’t be with you forever,
that one day you’ll be excited to make coffee in the morning or go to a movie
with friends. Hope is believing that the sadness can evaporate, that if you try
like hell to move on with your life, your smile won’t always be forced.
Therefore in order to forgive and to move past fear, you need to find hope.
And remember to love again…
Once our hearts are bruised and burned from a relationship that ended, we
have two options: we can close off pieces of our heart so that one day no one
will be able to get inside. Or we can love again. Deeply, just as intensely as
we did before. Henri Nouwen urges to love again because the heart only expands
with the love we are able to pour forth. He writes:
The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your
love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. When
your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave
your heart even when they depart from you. The pain of rejection, absence, and
death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart
will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the
fruit it will bear.
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