Positive..

Positive..positive..positive..that is the only way for us to get a happy life and health.  I know sometimes your mind is dragging to the other way, where its all about question "why", self pitiness, unhappiness of something that is missing.  It's just so easy to change or click the bad thoughts  from your mind.  When your thoughts in your head starts to questions the word "why", "what's wrong with me"..just switch that thoughts into positive and cheer yourself up.  Know that all negative thoughts can create bad energy and destroy your health.

This is a reminder for me, again..and again..because I want to be healthy mind, body, and spirit.  This is how I handle my life.  Life cannot defeat me.  I'm the only power that defeat it!  Nothing can bring me down! noone else can!  I'm the master..I create my life..even this life is harsh.  I will chalange the world..I point at them..no matter what they do to me, they can never bring me down..

Taken my son a walk and play..

Though my body is not really good today, I went with him anyway..I feel pity on him because he is not having a vacation yet.  Next time I'll take him swimming and visiting the zoo.

I hope he's happy today..

Look he's being naughty:-)

Playing with rocking cars:)

Sit down darren..

 

Bought this books too!

That is my activities for today..

Wants to learn how to make cupcakes and icing!

 

 

 

 

Sunday Is Gardening day

I was intended to go to the sunday market today to buy lavenders and strawberry, but nobody to go with me so I canceled till next sunday.  I replaced some tomatoes seeds using aqua mineral water plastic glass as their media.  I'm so happy to see them alive as i was hoped before. I imagine got so many tomatoes and chillies in my yard.  Not bad for kitchen supplies..

 This is some green onions in the backyard.

 

 

Want This Baby Doll

Report Day on Darren's school

Today it's his report day..where there are Entertaintment and small bazaar in his school.  I made Bake potatoes and Niggerball cookies.  Though I sold only Five potatoes today..it was really a fun day for us.  And I'm so proud that Darren's report is well enough.  Too bad I didn't bring the camera to capture this moment, 

 this is his first perform in the stage:)

 He looks happy:-)

All the parents seems to came complete with mother and father, while darren is only have me..without his father presence.  But he seems doesn't care..

It Is Hard To Turn your Back To Someone You Love and Care

I feel that I should move on again..My heart tells me, to step away slowly from the men I love so much.  I realized that he doesn't love me.  Women intuitions never lies..

If I don't feel loved from him, there s no use for me to wait.  No matter what he said..about the promised he used to say.  Love supposed to be happy..supposed to be understanding, spending time bonding..I felt being left out alone.  When he probably happy with someone new.  There is nothing I could do about it.

I don't know how to get his love back.  since he never invited my ym again. what is the point i wasted my time to sit here waiting till he add me back.  He wants me to forget about him.  So, let him go..

He doesn't have to say it..he knew I'm not stupid.  So here I am alone again in this new year's eve..just like another new years behind.  No one is going to call me..Happy New Year sweetheart..I love you..I will be coming soon wait for me..If i add his ym again, I m scared he might ignore it.  

Maybe this is the sign from God, He wants me to follow His other plan..So, He told me to step away from him for good.  I believe..good guy is a represented God it self.  He is caring, attentive, protective, supportive, sweet, and loyal.  So, I feel none of this about him.  Only doubts and lonely.

I have nothing to loose..I want him to step up and do his job if he love me.  I thought about how to get his love when other women trying to get him..I thought that I have to stay calm, and stay leaning back.  Hoping that he will be back to me someday.  Thought I can win his heart by being open to him when his giving me attention.  Thought that this is life, Where so many women out there, pretty and looking for a men.  But should I do anything to catch a men's heart? I don't think so..Love comes naturally.  If he likes..he will get it.  I know he likes me, but for him I just not his perfect match.  We both were the opposite attract.  only for awhile not forever.

I learn that I'm the one who controls every relationship I've been involved with.  You take him or leave him.  If he only want to play around then leave.  You're not looking for playing friends.  I look for serious relationship that ends up marriage.

Waiting for my perfect soulmate to come to find me..

My Favorite Things..

 

LOVE VICTORIA'S SECRET GARDEN COLLECTION..and I use this one:)

 

 My wish list of lingerie from La Senza

A Girl With A Pretty Hair

Today I saw a young women with a pretty hair.  I wonder where did she cut her hair like that? cos she looks pretty and attractive.  So, I begin to think..that our hair is really a big deal on our appearence..You can look good or bad because of it.  I think I need to have a new hair style soon.

Oh so romantic..

Favorite Quote of the Day..

I love this porch..

by country home

What I Can Learn From This Relationship With Him

Am I unreachable? Am I too stubborn or cocky? or weird? What I can learn from him, is that..I have to be myself, dare to open my heart and sharing who I am with someone.  He ever tell me to trust someone new.  To gain my self esteem that he believe I am formidable.  He ever told me, "you have no confidence with any men, do you think you will ever make it with someone new?" 

Well I know he is right, but then..is it true nobody will understand me and accept me for who i am? with all the insecurity? If he knows who I am with all the bad past I have, should he try to understand and embrace me with love and compasion? 

I know I am not sharing my daily life to him too much, cos I learn from relationship books that as a women we don't have to share our daily activities too much, but I learn now that it creates bond between two persons. That is why someone ever called me superficial, cos I never try to open myself, never talking about who I really am.  I waited for him to asked me..I want him to find out, to dig me..who ginggi is.  Every person have their own personality, there are women who are open, extrovert, lively.  While I'm a person who is introvert, quiet, and shy. So..I need the men who likes me, is the one who leads the way to get to know me.  He should be the one who swim down to the bottom of the sea to find the real me.  Like Edward on Twillight, who always asks and try to know bella. 

I also put all the eggs in one basket, means that I put too much hope and my heart too early.  When I supposed to be easy and relax, enjoy to get to know him much more before I'm sure how he felt about me.  But I think I did what I supposed to do.  Until he said that he wants to have a serious relationship with me.  I don't know..maybe this is my fault number 5 that, I should have asked him with a clear statement what he trying to say and what is the real meaning behind it.  Not just accept it 100 percent and believe in what he said, but trying to find out more about it.

It is difficult to have long distance relationship where you love this guy, but you cannot touch him or to see his blue eyes. Cannot see his real expressions..is full with doubtness, jealousy, and questions about who he really is.  So I guess, the problems is not in me..but because we are so different.  So far..though maybe we like each other.  But it just seems too difficult to continue unless he really make this come true by coming to Indonesia to meet me in person. I love him..but, he is the one who have to make the decitions if he wants me and think that im worth to keep.  Nobody is perfect..I accept him the way he is, and I expected that he can accept me too.  

But all of this, I still admired him..he is a hard working men, he's an honest men, A good friend, Sensitive, and shy.  Though sometimes cool, ignorance, and sarcastics. 

Will He Reply My Mail?

I made a decition to wrote him an email yesterday, asking him how he's doing..At first I wasn't sure I want to send it to him.  I have a confusion between missing him and rejection.  What if he doesn't reply? if he's forgotten me intentionly? what if he s thinking i'm stubborn..so I wrote first draft in french, but my finger cannot even dare to click the "send" button.  Then I decided to saved it, in case i changed my mood to send it later.  Ok I tried to forgot about that plan.  I was thinking..why would I have to do this? He is the one who have to find me..not me..

all the angel and devil are in war in my mind to find whether i should send it or not with good or bad calculations.  Then I tried to changed the draft in english also the subject.  But once again, I failed..

Today I read the horoscope telling their fortune to make a contact with "someone special" cos it said will have a good respons more than i can imagine.  I thought..hmm..ok then maybe it is time for me to send the mail, so without any doubt I send it.  I wasn't dare to open my email a whole day today, cos I don't want to be sad if there is no respons from him.  But I have to open it somehow, and no replied yet..):

Ahh..why do I have to do this? my friend encourage me to email him, and told me that if he doesn't respon I don't have to be ashamed at all.  But now, I felt so ashamed? I feel embarrased to myself.  Who doesn't feel ashamed of being rejected?

I tried to follow my intuitions, but i'm confused which is my intuition and which is my mind?  the other part saying i miss him and wants to know about him, and the other part is denial, saying that i shouldn't do the work but him.  It was like a battle between ego and desire.  

As a lady theoriticaly, books and wise people says that women should be choosen, so that means that I shouldn't do much work to get a men's attentions.  But all this time, He is the one who do the chase..but time goes by and people changed, so did he..He's began to cold, ignorance..and I felt left out.  So, instinctively..I begin to work..I don't know if it s true or not.  I have a high self proudness, that I learn from my grandma..she told me not to ask a men..she told me to let the men do the work by his own will.  So, I thought if this guy, wasnt do much for me, that means he s not that into me!  but..he said he wants to be serious with me?

I think I got the point now..I should forget about him! I should ignored what he said..he just a bullshit.

I'm not sure he will come to Indonesia just what he "promised"  If he is the men of honour, he will come as he promised me.  That is his job..he promised..I'm curious if his mom ever taught him about honoring his "words".

What can he do for me? He said he was busy working to get money to come..ok i tried to trust him.  I hope he's really a good guy just like he said.  Oh come on Ginggi..he just playing with you! so stop thinking about him and move on!

Ok I will..God please give me a clue! and strength if I have to go on..Amieen..

Heather Bullard

Heather Bullard

Love At The First Sight

I saw his picture tagged from his friend on facebook, when I take a look at it..my gosh..my heart was pounding so fast..He's smile, the way he looks..oh so sexy.  I looked at it for sometimes, looking at his expression.  Again..I don't know why everytime I look at him, .....I cannot describe how I feel about him.  Is this called love?  I felt embarrasing at myself, thinking that..this person..could he be in love with me? an asian woman who have a child and is an ignorance woman he knew.  A weird woman, who is simple and low social degree.  Un glamour like woman he used to hang around with.  Do you think he will love you back ginggi?

Yes that is why I hold this up in my heart.  He knows I love him..but he doesn't know the depth of my feelings because I just holding it inside.  I waited for him to make a move on me.  But sometimes he ignore me.  I know that he might not have that special feelings for me.

My heart really hurts right now..hurts that i cannot have what I want.  Because everytime I fall in love, I'm in love with a person who doesn't have the same feelings for me.  

Me and him just like water and oil..came from a very different life.  He is popular while I'm just an ordinary women, single parent.  He surrounded with beautiful glamour girls, while i'm a loner.  Who am I to love him who such an amazing men for me.  Though he might not a typical good guy, he's a party boy..but he is a sensitive men, he trusted me, he is a strong person with a dark past.  His sensitivity makes me fall in love with him.  I'm a jelouse woman, how can I be happy with this popular guy if he always focusing on his own life and social life?  Though I know, this is only a platonic kind of love, I know I cannot forget about him, because no matter what..we shared something deep before.  We are best friend.  

Though we re not together again, he will always be a friend of mind..

Love you CP..

Why Negativity Is really A Strong Things in Our Life?

Taken my son to school made me a little bit cheer today, since the morning i woke up..I found myself feel sad.  I don't know where that come from.  I fed my son taken him to shower with this bitter feelings inside that I felt so lonely.  I was thinking of my relationship with the men I love which is stuck and seems going down the hill to crash.  I felt confused and frustrated, I felt unloved and also thinking if I was in a foolish game.  I feel like I'm really stupid because I don't know how to get his love and attention..and most of all his attractions.  I did what I think I should, by telling him how I felt.  

But it seems useless..Now, My feelings is more and more become negative.  I open my account on facebook, and found out that my ranking of being a nice person is going down.  I know maybe you think, I'm over sensitive to this stupid applications..but I thought that..hey..what's going on here? Did I get a low vote from my friends? are they don't like me anymore? but why?  That kind of thought is bothering me this morning, and I keep doing what I have to do.  When I went to Darren's school suddenly I asked myself.."why do I feeling this way?"  "Do I need a help from anyone?" Why people seems to hate me now? 

Why people is trying to hurt me? Then I can feel that my body begin to stiff.  I can feel my heart is building a wall..no..i cannot be like this i thought myself.  Ginggi you should open your heart, forgive them..ahh but it's seems so hard.

The story is not over there, this evening i read my ex bf who i have a cold war now..wrote in her wall about how lucky she was and wishing ppl that bad to her happiness..i feel so sick..how can she said that while she's the one who is bad to people? that is so disguisting!  Well..let see until when she can laugh at someone else fall?  I don't like to feel this way actually but..I have to switch this negativity again..oh it is soo hard to be positive.  

I need to calm myself down right now..I should not wasted my energy on small problems like this.  It is only a small tiny trial..I will be okay soon..

So Grateful to God..

So grateful that my son is healthy..while my friend's kids are sick and have to stay at the hospital.  I should not complain about this life that i have now.  So many people out there are stuck with poverty, illness and other problems in their life.  Thank you God, for blessing me today with happiness, calmness, healthyness and love.

The Power of Healing is Love..

I don't know how to tell this in science cos i'm not a scientist, but I have seen some cases that happen to divorced women.  The woman I have knew that they facing a divorced sometimes becoming unhealthy and getting worse and worse till they died.  I have also a divorced women, I know how difficult it is to be a single parent, living alone and strugling as the only life support.  Sometimes whether she realized it or not she can be stressfull with the burden that she carried away in her shoulder.  

She can feel so lonely, and desperately need affections that she can't have anymore.  So the high depression she take, were influence to their body also.  She didn't aware that her stress can be bad for their imunity.  As the stress taken away their life and hope..soon, their body became weaker.  Perhaps she doesn't care anymore about how she looks or her nutrience she eats everyday.  She become fat and risking her body into a dangerous disease like heart failure, diabetes etc.  If she continue her life with negativity and cannot handle the unlucky situations with faith to the higher level (God) then, it will be worse and worse for her that can cause to the death.  

The only way to survived these kind of unlucky situation in your life, is to heal yourself with love and respect to your ownself.  Loving your body and soul..is the only way for you to keep you alive.  And the important thing is to have faith in God, that He have the better plan for your life.  You can fail or you can be succeed through this trial.  If you fail that means your life is ended because of the negativity and self pityness.  And that is not good.  You are born to have responsibility to survived in this world.  You responsibility to yourself and to God, that you will taking care You as human in anykind of situations.  

There will always love to all of us..that love can heal you and someone else who need it.  So why don't you get the love as your medicine.  Your child's love, your family, or friends..or even a stranger that you don't know.  Love the animal, the plants..the earth..trust me I know it feels good to share love..eventhough without a partner.

Love love love..love yourself..

The world is a mean place..

It feels awful when you're lonely..you found out that the world is a mean place to lived.  Everybody seems to be so busy with their own agenda..they are there when they need our help and support, but they left when we called for help or when we need their supports.  But this is life..I remember one quote says..A person who seek beauty sometimes walk alone.  I always being nice to people, I don't like to hurt someone else feelings..but they don't like me? they think i'm superficial..they thought i'm complicated and weird? am I too much expectations to others?  Mother told me..why you care so much on how people think about you? why do i need someone else approval? why can't I just be myself?

I don't know..perhaps too much people hurt me, stab me in the back..but Mom told me to learn how to forgive.  I know this is something that is not easy to learn..but i will try.  I wish I know from where to start?

I eat ice durian..mmmhh miam..miam..it was really good to indulge myself with it.  Just enjoying my free time.after french class this afternoon.  I am so grateful for today..because I have money to buy things i like.  And still healthy also.  Plus I am also grateful for God's bless for protecting my son and make him a happy healthy boy.

Thank you God..what I regret today was not taking five times prayers fully.  I'm sorry God..I will catching up tomorrow. I bought two books and a glass deco today.  This books are how to make someone in love with you and how to keep it last.  So I hope this book is a way to open my eyes and help me finding my true love.

L'email Pour Chris

aujourdhui j'ai regarde un poke ou christopher..je suis content..mais je pries de son email.  je sa manques..

j'attends son invitation sur yahoo messanger mais il n'a fait pas envoyer de l'invitation.

je voudrais chatt avec lui, mais je dois rester patient.  je suis timide..

Je vais envie son attention aussi.  dois j'ecris un email pour lui? est ce qu'il va lire moi? je ne sais pas..

Is it Worth to Be The Other Woman?

My marriage ends because of the third person came to our marriage.  I still wondering..do we really have to be so selfish when it comes to love? When you think you should be with the person you love are forbiden or in other words is "belongs" to someone else and are engaged with ring or law? What do you feel if that happens to her? how does she feels?

My little sister is in the position where she involved with a married guy.  She didn't want to hear what my mother and I objected.  She knew the risk..the risk of having a bad reputations in her office.  His wife were sending emails spreading my sister's affair with her husband.  Now..she have to face the consequence of playing with fire.

I mean..what is the benefit of being someone else in other's life? not much..you may have the person you love but till how long? what if you have insecure feelings that he still love his wife and miss his son/daughter? what if he wants to go back to her? what if people looking at you sinically that you are a stealer? Well that s life..

We never understand about it..just lived with it. 

My Dream House

Been critize with mom, forgotten to bring my wallet on the way to school this morning..ahh..I usually don't like to complain on such things like that, but today..I feel so sensitive. I wasn't a complainer..to me..people who likes to complain on such a small thing are just wasted of energy.

Everybody has their own problem, whether its small or complicated. But we often don't realized that our action is affecting other's. For example someone has a very bad mood in the morning, perhaps because he/she have her own stress..sometimes she/he will throwing their emotions on other people.  Like being grumpy or critizing. That emotions, can make someoneelse feeling bad also, and it will impact on their day.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don't have to take bad energy that someone threw on me. And trying to thing positively in a worst time or day, and just take it as a humor. If we try to blame everything with unlucky situations or not taken problems lightly..I believe that you will going through a bad day whole day.

So..today I learned to get through the small problems. Now..I have to get through my other case in my relationship and how I have to deal with it.

 

miss him so much..

Walking everyday to my son's school makes my tight and bottom firm:)  besides, it really healthy to snip the fresh air and listening to the biracds sings

wanna sleep good this afternoon..zzzzzz..

Today, Planted some green onions in my garden with a small plastic cups..we don't have big yards to have a big garden, but at least we can be creative.. I think if we are creative everything can be so good.  we can survive if we have creativity.  I like to recycle bottles, cans, anything that i can use for my plants.  I think we can help the earth start from our own environment. 

Ebook

I paid an ebook with Western Union more than a week ago but they said that they don't accept western union payment, so what about my money?? 20 dollar is not cheap for me.  I need that book..At least they should trying to serve us better..I paid..I send the receipt now I want my book!!

When you have business, you should serve your client like a king..they are your customer, they pay you..but if you ignore them they will lost interest and respect with your product.  No matter how they paid with or without credit cards, they spend their money to buy your product..and you should give it to them as soon as possible.

Make Money

Wish God giving me some extra money to start my own business..God pleaaseee..open a chance for me to be independent.  Let me taking care of myself and my son. I need to stand up on my own..I want to have my own freedom God.  To feel free from fear of poverty, uncertainty, unrespect.

I don't want to find money in a wrong way..I want to take any chance as long as its positive and honourably.

I try to get a job but i have to compete with fresh graduate.  Now I'm thinking to get a small business..but, how?

Today adding some more flower into my little secret garden..poisentias and ducklips..

Hang out at this romantic cafe near my house where the place is quiet and rustic..old village scenery..

love it!

Losing Hope

Somehow i felt losing of hope..about him..

He is getting further and further away.  I was asking myself will it be over..?

is this meaning that he is leaving me here alone?

If I am now are alone..who will be there for me?

will there be someone who wants to be with me?

the memory of us is playing now in my mind..

123Greetings.com
Just sending my favorite guy a season greeting..hope he likes it..

Don't go Changing by Barry White..his dedicated song for me..

soo deep..

I Want To Forget About You

I want to forget you..forget you..

I just want to care about myself

I want to ignore you

I think you punished me..

But..I know..this is my fault.

tomorrow my bestfriend will come..aaayyyyy

No Need To Worry

I don't have to be worried about having relationship with a men as long as I have the power.  It is about high self esteem and being confidence to myself.  I am everything, I am not a cheap person, I have my own principe and boundaries about being a women.  And I will not giving up too easily.  I know my power is my sexuality and my sensuality.  

If a men want me, he needs to be bold, hard working, who willing to claim me as his.  He needs to working hard to be with me.  The only thing I should do is to sit here around, smiling, waiting for the ultimate winner of my heart..:-)

j'ai mange japonais donburi et miso soup..miam miam..

J'ai apprende le francaise!!

I love this..I wish he made this for me..):

Levi's

I want this jeans!! but it is soo expensive!

Today..the plan to go to Yoga was canceled..and i found lots of catepilar on my flowers..

Soulmates

I found this in my favorite news letter..Ariel's Blog about Soulmate secret. 

Dear One,
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively, but I say “No.” Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, will you be ready to have the intensely personal and unique relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with anyone or anything else until you are united with Me. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and start allowing Me to give you the most thrilling plan in existence – one that you cannot even imagine. I want you to have the best. Please, allow Me to bring it to you.

You must keep watching Me expecting the greatest of things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM. Keep listening and learning the things that I will tell you. Just wait. That’s all. Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking up to Me or you will miss what I want to show you. And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you have dreamed of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. This is Perfect Love.

And Dear One, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer. Know that I love you utterly. Believe it and be satisfied.
Love,
God

---

http://soulmatesecret.com/blog/

Do Not Loose Your Faith

Do not lose your hope, because something cannot change instantly as you wish.  You will surely facing life chalanges which can weak your spirit. 

Therefore do not let them defeat you.

La Tahzan

How To Make My Heart Smiling again?

I have no clue how to answer this own question.  I was looking the answer to God..how Dear Lord?

This question suddenly popping up in my mind yesteday.  All this time my mind was always occupied by negative thoughts that people said about me.  And I know human behaviour mostly judging a person from their outlook.  They said i'm superficial, dumb, individualist etc..and I don't know why my mind always repeating their words like a tape.  I tried to ignored it..but sometimes it tickles me..Am I really superficial, dumb, individualist like what they think i am? How long do they know me?

 Sometime I feel disgusted with people who have such a shallow minded who likes to judge a person by it's cover.  Well I don't need their approval.  Did they helping me? I guess if I listen to what people said.  If I always looking for their approval, i will never be happy..because i have to be someone who is not me!

Guess the answer is..just love myself, be with myself, or in other word being self centered.

Waiting Him To Come..

Last night my boyfriend send me email, that he will come to Indonesia next year..and he promised.
But he never mention when, June? December?
if i write this to him..ok je t'attends l'anne prochaine..

will he? will he..?
he said "l'anne prochaine .demain j'ai un rdv pour 2 nouveau travail...
nouveau travail = argent
argent = voyage.
oui je vais venir, je te promet."

What Is Your Contribution For Others?

Inspired by a book I forgot the title.."A Thursday with Morris?" argh..i forgot..but, this story is about an old men who met 5 important people in his coma.  This five persons, are those who connected and got influenced by his presence in his life.

So, I was thinking..what is my contribution in someone else's life? I am sure I did positive and negative influence to people around me.  But as far as I can remember, I tried my best to put others need rather my own needs.  I usually are a sweet person, who always likes to help anybody who needs my help, gave them support and encouragement to friends or family who are in despair. 

I remember what other people did to me when i was young, or as long as I'm living..some of them are good and some are bad.  To the people who brought me positive contributions in my life..I personally honoured them to be such a good influence for my life.  But for some who did negative influence to me, well..i still grateful that they make me learn from the bad thing..It is life..one person that i still remember his opinion about me when I was younger that made me grow as a person who lack of confidence, shy..

It was when I was in junior high school, this boy is a star in the school..girls crush including me..Oneday, a friend of mind made a prank on him, she told him..that Ginggi (me) has a crush on you.  He asking her, "who? Ginggi the nerd girl?"  then since I hear his comment, I cried..that is one word that can change your whole life and who you really are.  I was shy and lack of confidence, but i grew and i am wiser now.

That is my point of view..one wise word say..you can build someone from your words or you can destroy them. That is also your contributions of life to someone else..you may not know what you did to others whether it intentionly or unintentionly. positive or negative..

I personally trying my best to become an inspirational person to someone else.  Though you think I'm nobody..but I just want to share to you, to be the best human as possible, rather then just an odd one.